Meanwhile Back At Canterlot

That same evening, the halls of Canterlot had echoed with high-pitched squealing.


It reverberated everywhere, ignored by stuffy and proper unicorn nobility who rolled their eyes as if they’d heard such sounds before.

And they had, too.


The sound was accompanied by a confounding clatter of hooves that seemed to come from everywhere and be all sizes. Gradually, another sound became apparent.

“Will you… get back… here! Loonies! You’re ALL loonies!”

Princess Celestia paused on her way to her chambers, her elegant alabaster ears quirking this way and that. She stopped, and waited, for she knew the pattern. Three… two… one…

Around a corner came a sort of parade of mischief.

First, a tiny green earth pony filly. Princess Luna’s foal was named Precious Gift, or Presh for short. Nothing betrayed her illustrious parentage as foal of an alicorn Princess, unless it was her exquisite beauty or bright, huge, lustrous eyes of absurdly innocent blue that seemed too magical to belong to a mere mortal pony.

The vivid, luminous green of her coat wasn’t nearly so unusual, for she’d got that from Princess Luna’s mate when she was conceived.

Next came a larger and clumsier filly without the miraculous grace of the tiny green apparition, but with every bit as much determination and attitude. Jackie was the foal of Princess Luna’s mate Lyra. Where Presh had got Lyra’s spring-green coat color, Jackie had got the color of Big Macintosh, stud-pony to royalty, and a hint of his stocky build, for all that she was a filly unicorn.

That wasn’t all: Jackie had also got a horn that was dauntingly well-formed even at birth, and had posed serious problems for her frantic mother as she tried to deliver her baby. Jackie’s horn had continued to grow until palace gossip suggested that she inherited the horn directly from Princess Luna herself. And there was no reason to doubt this, as Jackie’s conception was indeed directly from Princess Luna’s mighty horngasm… and an assist from the pride of the Apples.

Lyra had got a serviceable revenge for the pain and anguish the birth had put her through: Jackie’s real name was Earthpony Applejack. Applejack because that was who had held Lyra in her labor and suffering, and Earthpony because Lyra was irrepressibly odd and was feeling grateful to Applejack’s simple, honest strength when she was called upon to name the filly.

And third around the corner, hooves thundering in foalish glee, was… not the odd and mercurial Lyra, counter to expectation. Not even after her strange and reckless courtship of the Princess, or her history of iconoclasm in Ponyville and the trail of upset ponies she’d left in her path toward being consort to the throne.

Third around the corner galloped Princess Luna herself, eyes dancing and mouth open in a soundless squee of delight.

“Stop it, stop stop!” wailed Lyra Heartstrings, futilely running after the rest of her family, her hooves slipping on a trail of soapy water.

Celestia’s magic shone out, forming a sort of net. It blocked the hallway, and the giggling fillies plowed right into it and bounced. In a flash, Lyra was upon them, her own horn lighting up, and two tiny fillies swung by the scruffs of their manes, tails curled up beneath them as their mother prepared to give a good scolding.

Lyra couldn’t be expected to do likewise to Princess Luna, a full-grown alicorn, of course. And so, Princess Celestia obliged, desperately trying to fight off her own fit of the giggles.

Lyra took a deep breath. “BACK to the BATH for you two little terrors! And as for you,” said Lyra sternly, “y…”

Princess Luna batted her eyelashes, her legs and tail curled up under her as she dangled just off the ground. If anypony noticed that Celestia was tactfully supporting her weight by a broader-based telekinetic support than just the mane, nopony saw fit to mention it.

Lyra tried to stay strict, and then let out her own squee. “Stop being so adorable! We’re trying to set a good example for the foals!”

“Oh, is that what we are doing?” blinked Princess Luna. “Ah! Woe! We have derped it again, forsooth!”

Celestia shook her head slowly. “Luna…” she chuckled, trying not to smile. “You are creating more work for the maidponies and butlers of the palace.”

At that, Luna snorted, her mock dismay forgotten. “So? What else are they for?”

Celestia’s eyes widened, and she dropped Princess Luna on her moon-bedecked butt.

“Ow! Sister, hmph!”

Celestia still bore a smile, but it had an edge to it. “We can take them for many things, dear sister, but surely not for granted.”

Luna’s ears wilted. “Oh. We suppose that is true… yes, of course. Hmph! You’re right, as usual.”

“Now, don’t sulk,” chided Celestia gently. “I quite understand. And I am deeply grateful to see your spirits lifted by the blessing of our little Canterlot family. It is just that…” and she groped for tact, “some manner of decorum might be considered royal?”

Princess Luna favored her with a fond little smirk. “Oh, sister. There is nothing more royal than the freedom to enjoy one’s life heedlessly, with utter panache. We have never quite taught you this. Perhaps it is your love of order that invariably restrains you.”

“Indeed!” said Celestia. “Then, perhaps it would be meet for my beloved sister to mop up our floors heedlessly, with utter panache, while her maid watches.”

Luna’s eyes bugged out. “Hmph! Could be amusing. Bring it on!” she decreed, boldly. “In bygone days I have done yet more unseemly things with servants! She will enjoy telling all her friends and they’ll have such fun, so let us commence mopping with a song in our hearts!”

“And,” added Celestia, “while Miss Lyra returns the foals to the tub, to conclude their bath properly. Without you!”

The smirk dropped away from Princess Luna’s face instantly.

“B… but…” she said, in a little voice. “But we could all mop… together?”

Celestia stepped forward, and gave her chastened sister a little kiss on the muzzle. “I did not mean it. I will send for the maid, this time, but please be considerate in future, Luna. Go on… accompany Lyra back to the tub. Perhaps you can bathe your silly rump, for I’ve rubbed it in the dirt to teach you a lesson!”

Princess Luna snorted again, in amusement. “There’s no dirt here, sister! You don’t allow it. I believe you’re going to mop up the spilled bath-water yourself.” She stuck out her tongue at Princess Celestia, and smirked happily.

“Nay,” said Celestia. “I have other plans. Unless it behooves me to keep my dear, giddy sister in line!”

Luna laughed happily. “Nay, nay! I shall be good. I will think of some kindness to do for our dear maid. She likes flowers, does she not?”

“The dandelions are especially tasty, I would say.”

Luna nodded her head. “I shall surprise her with some!” she said, then glanced at her consort. “Ah… and, if needs be, some for my long-suffering, so-patient beloved precious little unicorn pony?”

Lyra gave her a stern look, and Luna stuck out her lower lip in a pout of comic dismay. At that, Lyra smirked.

“I’m good,” she said brightly. Then, she faced Luna and stamped a forehoof, the sound echoing down the pristine halls of Canterlot. “IF you help me bathe these troublemakers and put them to bed! No excuses, Looney!”

Luna laughed happily. “Is that all? Of course! Farewell, dear sister. Duty calls!”

Celestia smiled as she watched the Princess and her consort trot back down the hall, foals in tow. She hadn’t for a moment planned to sentence Luna to solitary mopping. The Princess was doing better than ever, her spirits high and her heart full of love, but it was thanks to her devotion to her consort and the two foals… and all of them were mortal ponies, so Celestia knew better than to deprive her sister of their company. Luna had adjusted to the idea of outliving her beloveds, but she’d done it through a clear-eyed determination to not waste one minute of their treasured presence, and would not do a thing to seriously risk that.

In turn, Celestia hesitated even to jest about it: but having reached her accomodation, Princess Luna was resilient and not too upset by the subject.

Celestia turned, for she had made accomodations of her own.

She entered her chambers, stretching and then folding her massive wings. “Chaos, dear?”

“Just a minute!” came a little voice from the study. “I’m learning about the oddest thing!”

Celestia’s ears laid back. “Oh, dear. Something… for us?”

“I think so!” called Chaos. “I’m not sure it’s quite real. But it fills me with unaccountable delight!”

“Well, that’s good,” said Celestia dubiously. “Does it involve Twilight Sparkle in any way?”

Chaos trotted into view, a tiny alicorn mare with a scintillating mane made up of patterns that were never quite the same twice. “Oh, Celly! I promised! No, of course not. I’m sorry for that time I persuaded you that three Twilights would be okay because none of them could seem that counterfeit in the presence of the others. Though I must say, you were terribly enthusiastic!”

Celestia hung her head. “Shame on me. Pray don’t tempt.”

Chaos trotted forward, reared, reached up and hugged her consort. “I’m sorry! Anyway I’ve got quite another thing in mind. Or we could have tea, or dinner, or breakfast for that matter. Hmm?”

Celestia twitched. “Darling, it’s dinner time. Breakfast does not enter into it.”

Chaos shrugged. “Chocolate milk serves for either! Oh… maybe not for tea. I should think it would ruin either the tea or the milk. Have you ever heard of chocolate tea?”

Princess Celestia made a face. “Not, I think, a special treat.”

“Oh!” squeaked Chaos. “Special treats! I think I came up with one for you. One that is definitely not Twilight Sparkle. Poor darling! It looks like it’s been a long, hard day. I could rub your back, or make your dinner. I shouldn’t jump to conclusions that you’d like a long, hard… not-day.”

At that, Celestia smirked. “Heh. And what, dear Chaos, would lead you to such provocative conclusions?”

Chaos blinked. “Possibly knowing that five of the last seven days you’ve wished hot dicking upon getting off work, two of them even before you’ve had supper.” She smiled. “I like that, by the way. It’s just a bit random.”

The Princess frowned. “Indeed! So I have, now that you mention it. Whatever would my little ponies think? I thank you for bringing it to my attention, dear one, but you alarm me. Am I becoming the complete hedonist under your influence?”

Chaos’s eyes widened. “You say that like it’s a bad thing!”

That got her a royal pout. “You say that like it’s not! Dearest, even back when you were Starswirl I had responsibilities, surely you remember? If I am nothing more than a pleasure horse, woe to Equestria! I must collect myself. Ah! Which entertainments did you favor me with, over these five days? Do you realize I am not entirely sure anymore? Swirlie, this cannot be proper!”

Chaos blinked, uncertainly. “I liked it. And yes, Swirlie was Tuesday, trusty old Starswirl from before my Discord days. I was a Diamond Dog for you on Monday, which is why my latest idea interests me: you’ll see. Wednesday you were content to snuggle, and fell asleep right away, poor dear. Thursday I took a snake form and played inside you, and you were very cross though you came until you couldn’t stand up, and Friday I was rather in the doghouse and we did nothing. Saturday you forgave me and made love to me in this form, and Sunday you asked for Starswirl again, which I was happy to provide, though I may say it seems like you’re holding something back. I’d hoped to cheer you up with my new discoveries. How is it improper?”

Celestia bit her lip gently in vexation. “I suppose not. My sister would remind me that we have license, and what’s more you are my lover even if you develop startling notions. Perhaps it is my distraction I find insupportable.”

Chaos trotted over, and reared to hug her larger amour. “Tell me! What is so distracting? I adore distractions, perhaps I’d enjoy hearing about it!”

Princess Celestia sighed. “Nay, I think not. It shames me, Chaos. Better I should let you writhe and frolic as five snakes in my nethers, than be distracted from my love by these sad obsessions.”

Chaos narrowed her eyes and fixed Celestia with a hard stare. “Five snakes can be arranged, though they’d have to be smaller, you know. The one was quite penis-like in girth and certainly did not all fit. Forgive me for asking, but which obsessions do you refer to?”

Celestia pouted.

“I think you’ll be happier if you say it,” suggested Chaos. “But if you don’t, I imagine I can guess.”

“Oh, very well!” exclaimed Celestia. “Of course you can! I am sure I grow more tiresome with each successive day of pining and moping! Twilight Sparkle, Twilight Sparkle! Why, oh why, must you haunt my poor thoughts so?”

Before Chaos could say a word of reply, a small burst of green fire appeared, and from it dropped a letter. It was addressed “Princess Celestia’s Eyes Only”, and it so startled the Princess that it fluttered to the floor, untouched, landing face down.

Chaos cleared her throat politely. “If that is her reply to your question, I’m quite impressed. Do you suppose she’ll tell us how she did it?”

Celestia looked a trifle wild-eyed, her mane flying like a storm of luminous magic. She lunged forward, but quick as a wink little Chaos had darted over and pinned the letter to the floor with one small hoof.

“Celly! Stop. Listen to me, please.”

The Princess bridled, whinnied, her wings flapping in agitation… but then, with an obvious effort of willpower, she hung her head and listened.

“It’s all right, Celly,” urged Chaos earnestly. “I’m not in the least offended, but I believe I can answer your question. It’s rather a perfect storm of romantic infatuation, if I may be so bold. You raised her from a tiny filly, right through what was surely a bookish and repressed adolescence, denying yourself the attraction. And then we thought she’d joined us and become another alicorn, and wasn’t that an extraordinary time? Such passion! Though really she’d gone mad as a hatter, you know. Thank goodness the only corpse left from dear Twilight’s rampage was Fluttershy, who was used to it and is still the most adorable dead body I’ve ever known. Which is not to say I’ve known her, at least not that way, we’re just dear friends…”

“Would you get to the point?” groaned Celestia, her wings rattling against her sides in chagrin.

Chaos hugged her again, which she bore with fretful dignity.

“The point is,” said the little ice-blue alicorn, “she haunts you because we thought we would be knowing her over the long haul! We’d never lost an alicorn before. When Twilight reverted to a unicorn form, your feelings did not go back again. Mind you, they were already more complicated than you’d given them credit for.”

Celestia’s ears were back. “No thanks to you, Swirlie!”

“Oh, call me Chaos,” said the little alicorn dismissively. “At that time, it was most certainly my sense of Chaos guiding me! And yes, I accept some of the blame. I’m not surprised dear little Twilight orgasmed when you spanked her at long last, and I’m sure it did her a world of good.”

Celestia narrowed her eyes. “Some of the blame?”

“It’s not my fault you liked it. You probably came yourself,” said Chaos blithely.

The Princess panted, her nostrils flared, but her anger wasn’t entirely at her exasperating and disorderly mate. “In fact I did not, Chaos. I have been nothing if not civilized through all of it, possibly excepting that occasion: and if I could dismiss it all from my mind, I would do so. Do you wish my apology for stirring up that trouble? None know better than I, that your whims are mercurial in the extreme, and I accept responsibility for acting upon those mad notions. I would ask only one thing, though.”

“Oh, Celly!” cried Chaos. “Don’t take on so! I’m not a bit offended, I told you that already. How can you call it trouble, when to me it’s merely more delicious chaos and kinky unicorn-spanking? Please don’t be so harsh upon yourself!”

“It is not that I ask,” grumbled Princess Celestia.

“Then, what?”

“Pray relinquish the letter from Twilight, so I can read it,” huffed Celestia. “You are standing upon it still, and it is addressed to me.”

Chaos’s eyes widened. “Oh! Sorry. Here you are!”

Her horn lit, and she proffered the lightly trampled note, which Celestia’s magic petulantly snatched from her.

“I am a Princess, you know,” scolded Celestia. “Honestly!”

“Yes, dear,” soothed Chaos. “I could say ‘me too’ but we’ve centuries to hash that one out. I shall behave. What does it say?”

As Celestia read, her eyes widened in turn.

“Ooooh!” squeaked Chaos. “Let me see! What’s she done now?”

“I… I’m not sure,” managed Celestia, looking distraught, and Chaos took the letter and read.

“Dear Princess Celestia,” it said. “I’m not sure how to put this, because I don’t wish to give the impression that I’m asking you to swoop in and bail us Ponyvilleans out. However, if you’ve got time in the next day or two, you can help Trixie and I work on solving our vampire problem. We’ve been able to observe some things already and if you stay out of the way, we might be able to handle this ourselves. Meet us in my second secret basement, the one that’s not full of empty ice cream containers (don’t ask) and here’s hoping it doesn’t end up equally untidy (seriously don’t ask). You might want to give me time to clean up. Best wishes, Twilight Sparkle.”

Chaos blinked. “Untidy? I’ll fly there this instant!”

“She’s not asking for you to come at all!” protested Princess Celestia.

“Well,” retorted Chaos, “she’s not really asking you to come either! Certainly not to swoop in. Have you made a habit of swooping upon dear Twilight? She seems rather defensive.”

Celestia hung her head. “There was one occasion where she’d enchanted a doll. You’d probably have loved it, it was awful. What has she done now?” Her wings furled and unfurled in anxiety. “I should fly there tonight! Perhaps Ponyville won’t be there in the morning!”

“But she’s said ‘the next day or two’. And ‘stay out of the way’,” suggested Chaos. “Not to mention ‘you might want to give me time to clean up’. I don’t think she wants you there tonight.”

Celestia trembled. “What if she doesn’t want me there at all? What if she merely feels obligated and expects me to be her tyrant, swooping down to judge her and find her wanting?”

“And spank her?” added Chaos, helpfully.

“Nay!” wailed Celestia. “Not more of that! I cannot bear it!”

Chaos set her jaw. “Celestia! Please settle down. I realize this is all very distressing.”

“But what shall I do?” implored the Princess.

Chaos thought. “Talk it out, I think. I’ve just the right pony in mind to do it with, too.”

“Swirlie, she doesn’t want me there!”

Chaos shook her head, firmly. “No, Celly. I think it is time we visit Luna’s chambers. Come with me, please.”

Luna leapt to her hooves. “Sister! What has happened? Let me aid you! Some calamity has struck!”

As Chaos pressed close to her, Princess Celestia hastened to reassure the younger alicorn. “Not as such! Not, perhaps, a calamity. I… curse it! It is complicated. Chaos, would you help to explain? I am at a disadvantage.”

Luna turned anxiously to the still younger and smaller alicorn, and Chaos chimed in happily.

“Celestia wants to ball dear little Twilight until candy comes out!”

Luna gawked at Chaos, her ears laid back, as Lyra trotted in crying “What did I miss?”

“Swirlie!” gasped Princess Celestia, affronted to the core of her being.

Chaos pouted. “Well, she does! Sorry.”

“It’s much more complicated than that!” protested Celestia, tearing up, but Luna had reared and was already hugging her sister, even enfolding her in deep blue wings, and ignored the others completely.

“Of course it is, dear sister, of course it is. Or so it seems,” said Luna. “Ah, my poor sister! How well I remember my own agonies over poor Trixie Lulamoon. Be gentle with yourself, dear sister! You are among friends, three alicorns and a consort, we understand these things! We understand the passions of eternity for the ephemeral! You must be beside yourself—take deep breaths, has something provoked you?”

“She’s not beside herself,” said Chaos, “though if you like I could simulate it. Is it all right if I don’t? I prefer not to take Celly’s form or have others take it. There is only one Celestia, for me.”

Lyra poked her with a hoof. “What were you saying? I think you were saying something naughty about candy and Twilight! I hope you’re not being mean. She’s a little round, but she’s not any fatter than she needs to be! I don’t want you teasing Twilight Sparkle, okay? Even if she is eating a lot of candy. Why’s she eating candy, Chaos?”

“No, no!” said Chaos. “I didn’t mean that, Lyra.”

“Then what did you mean?”

“Er…” said Chaos. “I suppose the phrase ‘ball someone until candy comes out’ might be interpreted several ways. Leaving aside more unusual interpretations, such as Twilight being literally a pinata full of candy which would come out, I suppose the implication’s that Celly wishes to lick Twilight, or perhaps penetrate her, until she climaxes. I’ve not specified what sort of candy, mind you. Celly’s spoken of the beauty of Twilight’s horngasm but I fear I’m being more crass and implying mare-ly secretions.”

Celestia’s face was a study in appalled. “You fear, do you?” She gritted her teeth. “No matter how you change, somehow the old stud-horse Starswirl continues to win the day when I least expect it…”

Luna was fighting back a smile. “Methinks you had best get used to it, sister dear. Sometimes you delight in just such improprieties… and I hasten to remind you, we are rather select company! Nopony here but Princesses and consorts.”

At this, Lyra’s eyes lit with enthusiasm and she whirled to face Celestia and put in her own helpful advice. “And heck, if you like Twilight as far as I’m concerned you should go for it! Unicorn-alicorn relationships are a very beautiful thing! I’m pretty sure Twilight Sparkle’s always been kinda sweet on you anyway, she used to fight with Trixie about your wonderfulness! Trixie’s a weird pony and that’s not the only way that she’s screwed up, take it from me.”

“Lyra,” grumbled Celestia, “that will do.”

“No, really!” protested Lyra. “I think it would do her a lot of good to date you. Trixie’s kind of a wack job! And Twilight is a wonderful unicorn, so strong and smart and pretty: what, do you think she wouldn’t be any good? You should ask Looney, she’ll tell you that unicorns can be very desirable for an alicorn.”

Luna rolled her eyes. “There are times we question that! Lyra, beloved, we are talking seriously!”

Lyra gasped. “Looney, how could you! I have to stick up for Twilight, you’re being unfair!” She turned to Princess Celestia, mental gears whirring manically. “Okay, I guess you’re a hard case, but listen, you! What Chaos says about candy? Believe it! It’s totally worth your while and you shouldn’t delay ‘cos, you know, mortality. You might not have known it, but I KNOW how wonderful Twilight Sparkle is. I’ve had group pony sex with her and Trixie and Rarity, and I totally licked her to orgasm. I licked her until she squirted, and candy does come out! At least if you’re into mares, nopony is as delicious and sweet as Twilight Sparkle!”

“Lyra!” scolded Luna, and bopped her with a hoof.

“Eep!” squeaked Lyra. “Though of course Princess Luna is beautiful and powerful and everything that I love forever, my number one, no question! I just meant that it’s different, first of all Twilight’s body and by that I mean her butt and her vulva and belly, they’re so soft, and she makes the sweetest noises when she’s about to come and she just melts away under your tongue, you’ve got to try it sometime…”

She trailed off. Celestia’s eyes were squeezed shut, and leaking tears, and her teeth were gritted painfully tight.

“We… shall maim all of you…” she growled.

At that, Lyra cowered away, but both Princess Luna and Chaos leapt to hug and comfort the stately white alicorn.

“Poor Celly!” wailed Chaos. “This is not what I meant. For once, I would embrace complete order and predictability, if only it would spare you these tears!”

“Lyra dear,” ordered Luna, “do not speak further of Miss Sparkle’s vagina! We decree it.”

Lyra pawed the floor with a forehoof. “Uh, technically I wasn’t! Not exactly. Maybe indirectly? The melty thing, okay, and I suppose talking about the juices…”

“Cease, minx!”

“Fine!” said Lyra, and flounced over to a divan to sprawl upon it and sulk. “It’s not that good anyway! Looney’s is better.”

“Ah, poor sister!” sighed Luna. “Indeed you’ve, as they say, ‘got it bad’. But what has spurred this renewed distress? When last I saw you, just scant minutes ago in the hall, you showed none of this angst! What HAPPENED, sister?”

Celestia hung her head again, and her horn glowed faintly. A scrap of paper emerged from where it had been tucked into her crown.

“She’s sent me a letter,” said Celestia, and choked up. “And she doesn’t want to see me!”

“Let me read it,” said Luna. “Give! Hoof it over, please.”

Lyra perked up, and scampered over, irrepressibly. “Can I see?”

They read, as Celestia waited, biting her lip in anxiety. Princess Luna finished, and gazed off into space for a while, thoughtfully.

“Well?” demanded Celestia, her wings folding and unfolding, clearly on the verge of trotting in place.

Luna lifted an eyebrow. “Yes?”

“What do I DO?” pleaded her elder sister.

Luna gave a little halfsmile. “Firstly: do not fly out there tonight,” she said, and Celestia deflated, drooping in dismay.

“Thank you so much,” she muttered. “Thine wisdom exceeds my wildest expectations.” She glowered crankily at Chaos.

Lyra was puzzling over the wording. “But Twilight does want… this is an invitation! Sort of?”

“Yes, it is,” said Luna. “Something is going on. Sister? I think I may understand. Try to remember that Twilight Sparkle is a very powerful unicorn. Vampire problem? Are they having trouble with Fluttershy? We have seen so little of vampire ponies, or of any species turned vampire. I am trying to remember. Do they not tend to quarrel and destroy each other in fights for dominance?”

Celestia nodded. “Between that and the mob, vampires have not troubled Equestria as a rule. I now wish I had attended more closely to the few occasions where they came forth. Perhaps the fault is mine for not being more intimate with my little ponies. It always seemed like just one more sort of disease, honestly. Rumor of a vampire appearing, making thralls and consuming them, then being destroyed. Magical fire is surely as thorough as any other form, and the earth ponies could always reduce an enemy to tiny bits. A vampire in fang-sized pieces cannot prey upon anything, poor creature.”

“Wait,” said Lyra, “you’re sorry for the vampires?”

Celestia made a face. “I suppose I should be, shouldn’t I? My allegiances are to my little ponies. My feelings of vampires have been like sympathies for a rotted plank: the whole thing seems rather sad and unclean. There is a reason Equestria is not flooded with the things. Feather flu among the pegasi is considerably harder to stamp out! With the vampires, one only hears of it at second hoof: some pony’s managed to bite a vampire fruitbat, already the most unlikely event imaginable. That pony gives in to evil, thinking themselves uniquely powerful due to their vampire nature. If they attack other ponies immediately, the mob runs them down, for they cannot resist their hungers. If they are clever, making thralls and consuming them, they may last longer but can be unmasked when the thralls fight each other in jealous rage. It is all so fragile and sordid.”

“But then, there’s Fluttershy,” suggested Chaos. “There couldn’t be a more unlikely vampire pony… and she’s not acting one bit like that, is she?”

Celestia winced. “You’re right. I suppose I’ve been waiting for her to turn. It seems ungrateful, after she saved your life and mine.”

Chaos gasped. “Celly! Don’t say such things! I’d thought we would be enjoying her company for simply eons!”

Celestia swished her tail, glowering at Chaos. “You have not observed Equestria for centuries upon centuries. As a unicorn, you weren’t interested in vampires, as Discord you were preoccupied, and as a statue you’d be no use to a vampire at all. Vampires last about as long as any outbreak of plague, and are about as popular. I suppose it is well that I do involve myself in Twilight’s researches, in case she ends up burning Fluttershy to ash or chopping her to scattered bits, which are some of the ways ponies of old removed the threat.”

Chaos’s eyes were wide. “But… from the way Fluttershy talks, and the things I’ve seen her endure, I thought vampires could never die?”

Celestia gave her a weary look. “If ash was alive, could you tell? How threatening is a pulverized fang? The creatures believe themselves to be all-powerful, but it is a mere feeling, rather a mockery. I’m not sure exactly how it goes wrong for them, Chaos. I’m almost sure I’ve heard stories of multiple thralls of the same vampire, destroying each other even before the vampire could devour them. They don’t get far and we have not had much opportunity to study the phenomenon.”

“Twilight is studying Fluttershy,” said Luna. “She speaks of her researches, and wants to make her own progress without you, as she says, swooping in.”

At that, Celestia’s eyes teared up. “If only I could! But not to take over her discoveries. I would swoop in and carry her away to my bedchamber. And I must behave myself and let her live her own life. YES, Lyra?”

She’d glared at Lyra, who had the decency to look abashed—Lyra had brightened and begun to speak, and been stopped by the Princess’s pique. She gulped, and when she spoke it was softer, but still heartfelt. “I was just gonna say… she will be very happy when you finally do. ‘Cos I’m so happy to be with Princess Luna. My life is all full of magic now.”

“Awww!” crooned Luna, and hugged her little unicorn consort. “As is our life, precious darling!”

Princess Celestia’s jaw was set. “That may be, but Twilight does not wish to be swept off her hooves, and I respect that. In fact, I see in this letter of hers that she wishes to run her own risks and make her own discoveries: that is the Twilight I know and love, and I respect that as well. Anyhow, the vampires she is dealing with are only Fluttershy, and Gilda the griffin who is in thrall to Fluttershy, and Applejack and Rainbow Dash’s foal Northern Spy who is in thrall to the griffin. And somehow, the influence of Fluttershy persists even beyond direct thrall: I saw Northern Spy answer to Applejack.”

Luna looked horrified. “The foal? This is terrible! If you can help them, you must. If there are now three vampires and all are peaceful and cooperative, perhaps we can learn better ways of dealing with them.” She shuddered. “To lose the foal… awful!”

Chaos looked at Celestia, then Luna. “Perhaps I’ve not fully understood the situation. Is Ponyville safe? Is Twilight in danger, trying to work with all these vampires? What can she do to defend herself if they attack her? I suppose the idea of Fluttershy attacking anypony was so absurd that it never occurred to me there was a risk.”

Celestia snorted. “They have unicorns. Even if a vampire does not dry out through prolonged undeath, many healthy unicorns can produce magical fire when assaulted. A vampire must bite to enthrall or feed, and must make sustained eye contact to hypnotize, and no vampire can stare at more than one pony at a time.” She blinked. “Possibly excepting dear Derpy Hooves. We must tell Twilight, on no account allow Derpy to be attacked.”

“You’re being facetious, dear,” said Chaos. “Vampy Hooves? Really?”

“My point is that I’m almost more worried for the vampires,” said Princess Celestia. “I really am not worried for Twilight, though it is alarming to learn that Northern Spy is involved. I understand that she bit the griffin, who is desperate to please Fluttershy. We’ve never needed to find a cure for vampirism as much as we do now.”

Lyra opened her mouth, hesitated, and then spoke. “Maybe you did… but you didn’t realize it.”

Celestia blinked. “Why would you say that, my little pony?”

Lyra returned a level gaze, not judging but unexpectedly knowing. “Because I’m Luna’s little pony… and Applejack is your friend and mine… and you want to sleep with Twilight… and Fluttershy and Gilda and Northern Spy got vampirism and could be hunted down by mobs or burned up by angry unicorns. If you didn’t know us, somepony might still have become a vampire, and be hurting others and suffering and finally destroyed… and their life would be ruined… but you wouldn’t know them.”

Celestia was speechless.

“You know us,” said Lyra, “so please help?”

Her spring-green visage blurred, as Princess Celestia fought back tears. “I shall! I promise you, I shall help.”

“But not tonight!” cautioned Luna. “Have we not agreed that Twilight Sparkle has the situation under control? She is asking you to come and help, but she wishes time to pursue her researches. Do not ‘swoop in’! Give her a day or two, and then peacefully go and see what she has learned. You can gather all the reports we have on the subject, though they are sparse and hearsay by their very nature. One day should not change things too much.”

“I don’t know,” said Chaos reflectively. “Give me one day and I’ll change everything you can imagine.”

Luna hmphed. “Chaos, stay here in Canterlot!” she decreed. “Let Twilight work without changing any vampires into chocolate!”

“I’d change them back,” protested Chaos. She blinked. “If somepony ate some of the chocolate, would they turn into a vampire, or would they turn into other chocolate?”

“Chaos, stay here in Canterlot,” urged Princess Celestia. “Please? I’m not sure Twilight could deal with vampire chocolate. In some ways this is quite serious.”

“Oh, very well,” said Chaos. “Anyway there was something I wanted to show you…”

“Yes!” said Princess Luna. “Show her. I am sure she could use the distraction, I remember my own sufferings over Miss Lulamoon. And it will keep her here. Sister, you must honor Twilight’s request. Especially if you wish to develop a deeper relationship with her!”

“I bet you could do even better than I did!” said Lyra. “Or that wack-job Trixie! You totally should make a relationship with Twilight. What worked for me was MPH!”

Luna’s hoof promptly covered Lyra’s muzzle. “Of course, that is irrelevant. Tsk, Lyra! Naughty unicorn! My point being, sister, that you must make your OWN relationship with Twilight. Not Lyra’s, not Trixie’s. Your own.”

Celestia hung her head. “It is so daunting. So frustrating.”

“She is even telling you how to do it,” countered Luna. “How can you not listen? Do you agree? Will you allow Twilight to tell you what steps to take?”

Celestia sighed. “Yes. I shall.”

Luna squeed, and hugged her, as did Lyra and Chaos. Luna beamed. “I am so proud of you! It is not easy for an alicorn to kindle a relationship with a unicorn that is fair to both parties. And there’s a kind of order through forming an intention to do the right thing, isn’t there? You just have to do your best.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Sister, where did you get that? In all our years I have not heard of you speaking that way, or speaking of being fair to mortal unicorn lovers. Why the sudden change in attitude?”

There was no verbal answer. Only Princess Luna’s blush, and abashed look… and Lyra’s joy and pride. Neither said a word.

“Hmmm…” said Princess Celestia, studying the pair with interest.

“Why,” whispered Chaos into her ear, “do you think I’m so eager to bring you together with Miss Sparkle? I’ve seen these two operate. It’s done both of them a world of good.”

“Hmmmm,” repeated Celestia, entertaining grand visions, a smile returning to her face.

“Oh, stop ogling us, sister!” protested Luna, still blushing. “Go forth and be distracted. Give our love to Twilight, but not this instant! Have we soothed you, eased your mind?”

Celestia nodded. “Indeed you have: and given hope.”

“We can ask no better,” said Luna. “Isn’t that right, Lyra?”

“Can she bring Twilight over to play when they do hook up?” asked Lyra. “I wasn’t fooling about her pussy being extra yummy.”

Celestia stiffened, her eyes widening. Chaos giggled. Luna cuffed her insouciant little unicorn with a hoof.

“Eep! Hey!” squeaked Lyra.

“Go forth, I tell you!” cried Luna. “Lest my consort take still more lecherous liberties!”

And, giggling, Princess Celestia and Chaos rushed from Luna’s chambers, and trotted back to their own.

“Lecherous liberties!” giggled Chaos. “Sounds like a marvellous plan, doesn’t it?”

Celestia pranced in place. “My! Their provocative nature has me quite worked up, Swirlie dear. I don’t suppose you’ve got a plan for soothing your Princess?”

That got a stunned look from the little blue alicorn. “Egad!”

“No, you’re supposed to say, yes Celly dear, I have! We can try it again if you like.”

Chaos blinked, staring at nothingness with an expression of wonder. “Sorry, I’d almost forgotten. I have a new thing to try! I’ve great hopes for the form, though as I’ve said I’m not quite sure it’s real. But it’s spectacular! And pink.”

“Pink?” queried Princess Celestia. “As in, Pinkie Pie pink?”

“No no. Sort of off pink. With a sallow tinge, as if Pinkie Pie had been very sick or, erm, dead for a long time?”

Celestia’s ears laid back. “Chaos! That doesn’t sound very nice at all! Is it a fine figure of a pony other than the unfortunate color?”

“No,” admitted Chaos. “It’s sort of a gross figure of a thing, not a pony at all. It’s a bit like a deformed Diamond Dog?”

Celestia backed off a step. “This word ‘deformed’ does not sound appealing. Has it got lovely lustrous eyes, then, or a beautiful silky mane?”

“Errrr…” said Chaos. “No, they’re uncommonly tiny eyes and the mane leaves much to be desired. That’s not the point, Celly! I have certain suspicions about the nature of this beast…”

Celestia stamped a hoof. “Oh, Swirlie! Show me, then. I warn you, if you’re joking…”

Chaos disappeared in a flash of chaotic magic. What appeared was easily twice her height, towering just a bit over even the tip of Princess Celestia’s mighty horn, and nearly bumping its head on even the lofty Canterlot ceiling. And indeed, it was pink.

Celestia stared in disbelief. “Ah, I see. You are joking.”

“I’m not!” protested the creature. “Here, let me find the magic bit and show you the rest. Where’ve you put it? I haven’t got a horn in this form.”

“Why’s it got saggy bits all over it?” demanded Celestia. “The proportions aren’t like a Diamond Dog at all! Those hips reach up to my neck! Well, my withers, anyway!”

“Well, look on the bright side,” said Chaos, in the ungainly body of the new creature. “I could suck on the tip of your horn while you’re standing up.”

“I’d rather you didn’t,” said Princess Celestia, her ears laid back. “Good heavens. Are those testicles? They’re like fruit in a sack! How does it gallop without curling up into a weeping pile of monster?”

“Wait,” said the creature, turning to rummage through their shelves. “Here we are.”

“It has no tail, Swirlie!” protested Celestia. Then, as the creature turned back to face her, she added, “Why is its mane so greasy?! Why does it have fur on its NECK?!”

“I don’t know,” said Chaos. “Look, this is the part I wanted to show you.”

“And where its forelegs meet its body!” added Celestia, ears well back. “And I’m sure I saw canine teeth like a griffin’s, but smaller! Swirlie, where did you find this thing?”

“I don’t know,” said Chaos. “I told you, I’m not completely sure it’s real. But all the same, I think it likes being here—or would, I suppose. Is it really so bad? I haven’t even shown you the best part yet.”

Celestia licked her lips. “I would be lying if I said I wasn’t curious. Is the door closed?”

“Hooray! You’re still horny, even now!”

“Well, of course I am!” snorted Celestia. “And it’s still you in there… and there is nothing, nothing in Equestria that could ever LESS resemble Twilight Sparkle, so in one sense I am in the clear. I see you’ve got the magic bit in one of those paws, or whatever they are. What does it do, sprout penises all over itself?”

“They’re not quite like Diamond Dog paws. I have high hopes for these,” admitted Chaos.

“They’re strangely slender, like little tentacles,” said Celestia, and then her eyes widened. “You wouldn’t!”

The creature pouted, though it was hard to tell behind the fur. “Well, not only that. Confound it, Celestia, can’t I at least try to be creative here? I thought I was supposed to be distracting!”

“You’re all of that,” grumbled Celestia. “Fine! Show me its special trick, then.”

Chaos lifted the comparatively petite magic bit to the creature’s hairy maw, and clamped it between those disturbingly half-predatory teeth. The paw reached right back down, and seized its new toy with great ease and familiarity.

Celestia blinked. “Why’s it wearing a sweater?” she said, and then her eyes widened.

“See?” said Chaos proudly, as the slim-fingered paw slid a sheath of skin back and forth effortlessly.

Celestia’s eyes were bugged out in astonishment. She licked her lips again, gulped, and finally tilted her head up—in a way she’d hardly ever had to do before—to address the creature.


“I’m not sure,” replied Chaos in the deep tones the creature employed. “I have my suspicions! I think perhaps these things don’t fit inside their mares very well, or the mares don’t lubricate properly or something. If I’m not mistaken, this will allow thrusting without chafing, and I’m really not sure what other purpose it could have. See, it covers up the flare completely!”

“It’s not a bad flare,” said Celestia grudgingly. “Odd shape. Sort of cone-shaped?”

“M’re evidence their mares are tight and awkw’rd!” proclaimed Chaos. “All the better to enter you, my dear!”

Celestia narrowed her eyes. She studied the creature’s ungainly body, the odd paws now manipulating the thing’s stiffened cock, the girth and length of the cock. A little halfsmile quirked the corner of her mouth. “Is that a suggestion?”

“Let us pretend,” said Chaos around the magic bit, “th’t for this creature it is the m’st glorious consummation ever to be imagined…”

Celestia’s little smile grew wickeder. “And what if it was? I can see it shan’t harm me. It’s about as girthy as a stallion but doesn’t reach.”

“It might,” said Chaos. “We stallions don’t spend much time at full shove. And you c’n see th’ckness isn’t bad.”

“And what do you expect me to do about that?” teased Celestia. “And keep that door closed!”

“T’rn around,” rumbled the creature, grinning past the magic bit, and its cock stiffened just a little more, the flare swelling.

Celestia licked her lips, staring at the little ridge hidden under the fold of skin. “Never tell anypony about this.”

“Our little s’cret,” said Chaos. “Please?”

Celestia deliberately rotated herself, and gazed back at him with a look of mocking, amused pride, her chin and her tail held high. She swayed her hips, and presented the new form of her lover with the firm contours of an alicorn rump that was large to little pony stallions, but distinctly pert and tight compared to the creature’s towering bulk. And she winked, elegant vulva parting…


Celestia’s eyes widened. The creature moved in, but not cock-first, and not even attempting to mount her. Instead, those weird paws reached, fingers extending with dexterity and intent.

“Sw… irlie! What are you dnnnhhh! Oooh!”

“Is that g’d?” questioned Chaos, as the fondling fingers caressed the Princess’s crotch. “Feels g’d?”

Celestia staggered, wobbling on her hooves. These were no Diamond Dog paws! Chaos had already tried Dog form, but this was something else. Her eyes twitched and unfocussed as soft-tipped, talented fingers caressed her vagina, wandered forward to tickle her nipples and then pinch one gently, then slip back to trace up the inside of her leg and brush her labia.

“Ahhhh!” Celestia gasped, as a fingertip tucked inside her, seemingly just to feel her wink and then close upon it.

“How’s th’t?” suggested Chaos, as a second finger insinuated itself into Celestia’s eager wetness.

“Unnnh! Swirlie, ohhhh!” Celestia moaned, swishing her tail. “Stop playing and give me its cock, damn it!”

“But I’m n’t d’ne playing…” crooned Chaos. And, inside Celestia’s vagina, the fingers thrust a little deeper, and began to scissor and fondle the tender softness along the bottom wall of the Princess’s pussy.

“GGNNNHHH!” squealed Celestia, and both pony and monster froze, shocked.

Celestia’s ears were laid back, hard. She turned her head, and looked up at her alien lover with an expression of awe and alarm.

“I think you need to do that again,” she managed. “I am not quite sure I believe what I just felt.”

“Did it scratch you?” asked Chaos. “They h’ve sort of claws, wide ones.”

Celestia licked her lips, trembling.

“If you did,” she said, “do it again. I command you!”

Dutifully, Chaos began those motions again, the motions nothing in Equestria could mimic, as nothing in Equestria had paws like the new creature had. Celestia jolted, her jaw tensing, and bared her teeth at the empty air. “RRRRRHH!”

“Th’re’s my Celly!”

“Uhnnnnnnh… UHH! RRRH!”


Celestia, wobbling even harder, glanced back in alarm. “Honey?”

“It’s okay! J’st… almost br’ke these! Wow! Celly, I have never felt your strength inside th’t much! They’re fr’gile!”

Celestia shook her head. “Then quickly, quickly! Give me that strange penis, all you can!”

“Yes, m’lady… oof… can’t reach…”

Celestia trotted in place, almost crying with frustration. “Swirliieee!”

“I have to… there!” said Chaos. The creature was too tall, and had to bend its knees in a crouch to reach Celestia’s pussy. Using a trembling paw to aim its erection and pull the sheath well back, it touched its flare to Celestia’s winking treasure.



Celestia shook, reeling with pleasure as the strange bulk pressed into her, and then heard the whimpering. “S… swirlie?”

“So int’nse!” moaned Chaos. “Sweet CELESTIA!”

Celestia moaned, bit her lip, wriggled her rump. “Yes! It is I! Now, give your Princess the thrusting!”


Celestia’s eyes bugged out again. The creature had swung its hips forward, moving its paws out of the way, and scrunched its crotch right up against her ass in a way no stallion ever could… and the sack of testicles swung forward to gently thump her vulva.

“Ahhhhh…” moaned Chaos.

And with that, Princess Celestia stared stunned into space, and gave way to tremors and shivers that would not stop and just kept building, for the creature bent over her trembling rump and reached back between her legs and… even while penetrating her to her depths… began fondling everywhere with those dexterous paws, as if possessed by a sudden passion to touch every part of her. It caressed her breasts and kneaded stiffened nipples. When Celestia squealed and clenched and winked, those fingers flicked out to fondle her protruding clitoris, hitting her with jolts of stimulation like lightning.

Its thrusting, indeed, was fluid and frictionless, but the insane overstimulation of those voracious paws made it impossible for Princess Celestia to relax: plus, she could feel the thing’s small cone-shaped flare moving inside her, very deep. And the fingers kept sneaking back to fondle her clit as it protruded in wink after wink…

“NNNGGGYYAAAAH!” squealed Celestia, her body hammering her with climaxes. “When? doesitstop? GNNNH!”

Chaos was panting, the sound curiously deep in the creature’s broad chest. “Getting th’re… oh, this feels amazing…”

Celestia’s eyes crossed. This thing had gone five times as long as a stallion… ten! It wouldn’t let up! It was an evil mare-wrecker monster of exhaustingly unrelenting orgasms! It…

She squealed again, clenching in a fusillade of punishingly fierce orgasms, and felt the alien cock throb inside her, and the strange paws clutched her rump, and Chaos pressed deep as spurt after spurt of…

Celestia, reeling in sexual hysteria, found time to be astonished. That was it? That was all the come it had?

Chaos panted, sagging over her. “Oh my… oh my love… exquisite…”

Celestia shook her head to clear it. “Is there more?”

Chaos whimpered. “But I came. Didn’t you feel it? Ow… kind of sore…”

Celestia experimentally tensed her pussy, and Chaos yelped. “Oh my gosh! So much sensation right now, yipe!”

“Very well,” panted the Princess. “Exemplary. You may withdraw.”

Chaos, as the creature, wrinkled her brow. “Odd. It persists but is so damned sore and sensitive!”

The creature shifted back, and the erection withdrew, leaking small amounts of come, and still retaining a surprising amount of bulk and stiffness.

“Cuddles?” suggested Celestia, wobbling.

“Mm-hm,” said the creature, and they staggered over to a nearby couch and embraced, the creature curling awkwardly around Celestia’s lovely curves. “You know, I believe I could have stayed in you for some time, though it would be rather uncomfortable on the old flare.”

Celestia stared in disbelief. “You’re joking. You went… I can’t even comprehend how much longer you went than a stallion. How can that be?”

“Maybe if I stayed in you,” suggested Chaos, “I could keep going and going endlessly.”

“Maybe if you did,” retorted Princess Celestia, “you’d drench me so I could feel it. What does that thing put out? A spoonful?”

“It can’t help it!” protested Chaos. “These testicles are not very large compared to a pony! And besides, I can do this.”

“NNNNggg!” went Celestia, as the fingers went between her legs again.

“Do you realize,” said Chaos, “that your wings were fully erect that whole time? All that, and not once did I get a firm grasp on those lovely wing shanks. These paws would wrap right around. And squeeze…”

Celestia’s eyes widened. “Swirlie, listen to me, our world is at stake. Do one thing for me, right now.”


“Change back.”

Chaos blinked. The strange paws scratched the neck-fur. And then, with a flash of chaos, it was the little blue alicorn snuggling Princess Celestia.

Celestia drew a deep sigh of relief. “Whew.”

“What was the problem?” asked Chaos, her voice once again feminine.

“Think about it,” suggested the Princess. “I had an exhausting time with this beast of yours, and you’ve just told me a shocking new exploit it could pursue. Can you imagine what would happen to our pegasi if these things came here?”

Chaos’s eyes widened. “Oh.”

Celestia nodded solemnly. “They would ruin my little ponies. The pegasi would think of nothing else. The unicorns would wear their horns out on the end of those thick, unflagging, untiring cocks, squirting horngasm until they expired, with wicked cunning furless paws twiddling their clitorises. Maybe the earth ponies could survive it, but then they’d all starve because they would abandon the growing of crops. Even the stallions cannot be trusted with this. Do you think those paws could grab a horse cock and fondle it just as well?”

Chaos gulped. “Um. Now that you mention it…”

“It is resolved,” said Celestia bravely. “We will not speak of this. And these creatures must never, ever, ever come to Equestria. Agreed?”

Chaos was wide-eyed, with a look of dismay that was becoming tragic, as she considered that their one terrible experiment had been unleashed solely upon the person of Princess Celestia. Who had survived admirably, Chaos admitted… but had not been able to turn around and conduct the experiment upon HER, in turn.

She gulped.

“Yes, Celly. I promise. We will never speak of this, even to Luna, and I’ll never use my chaos powers to bring these terrifying things, whatever they are, to Equestria.”

She sniffled, and nestled into Princess Celestia’s embrace, enfolded in long elegant alicorn forelegs and wrapped in soft wings… and then her eyes shot wide at what Princess Celestia, very quietly, whispered to her.

“…maybe just one.”